don't cry

caterine vauban

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:17:57 GMT

Sometimes I just hate everyone... Everyone. Hate.

Thank GOD for green

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:31:26 GMT

I can't stop thinking of CURLS. I don't believe that I have ever in my life been so focused on my hair. I don't want to dye it, not even a little. I don't want to straighten it, I don't want to do anything to it but treat it so nice so that it grown long and full of lively curls as soon as possible. I've been taking vitamins and extra vitamin E to help the curls out. I'm even getting the ends trimmed so that they can be more full bodied and silkier (since I'm not sure what this weather is going to do to them). I'm almost sad when I look in the mirror only to find a tiny cranium struggling to stand out in this straight world. When I see pictures of myself it just doesn't look like me... there is a seriously huge part of my personality (and life) missing from the top of my head. My hair is growing fast though. Thank goodness.

I'm PMSing and it's out of control.... Thank God I've got drugs to keep this shit under control.

It's hot

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 07:20:43 GMT

Lots of changes happening in the ol' life.

Moving, again. To where you might ask, hopefully The Establishment. One can only hope though. I feel pretty confident about my vote but I don't want to rely on it so I'm still looking for other places. I've got someone coming to my place tomorrow to take a look at my house so that they might take over my lease. Thank goodness! It will be nice to get the security deposit back on that one. I foresee a new security deposit, paying some bills that have seriously lapsed and the insurance I need to maintain my massage practice! Hurray!

Alaska was breath taking... no words can describe it's beauty. I can't wait to go back. I got to see whales, moose, bears, bald eagles and an expansive abundance of wildlife. The mountains were to die for, not to mention the snow. Traveling around the state was as good as it gets really. Kayaking in Homer, the boat tour in Seward then back North to Willow to see the fam and relax for a little bit. Interesting to see the place where bO grew up (although he says he didn't grow up there). I did get to see as much of his old, youthful past as I was hoping for (apparently I was in the wrong shed). I did get a few pictures, some interesting stories from his Mother... It was over all the perfect trip. My boyfriend is amazing. I'm truly blessed.

I got a new job at The UPS Store, fun! I LOVE shipping! Of course, this place isn't anything like Mailboxes (RIP) but it's pretty cool. They have fun bonuses and treats, over time pay and staff events. Good enough for me, I'm happy to have a steady income. Good thing I'm not at Enchante anymore because apparently they are doing very bad as well as far as business goes. It seems I'm making more money now with UPS than I would be there. Double score! Got out just in the nick of time... what does that saying actually mean? Where does it come from? Who's Nick and why is he so special?

I spoke to my brother the other day. Truth be told he called out of desperation and not because he actually wanted to talk to me. Lame. But better than nothing and it's nice to know that he knows to call me if he's in need of anything. He was fired from his crummy job at the video game store in the mall after 3 years. And why? Stealing games. Oh that brother of mine... Maybe now that he's out of a job I might be able to get him out here for a visit. First I need some money though!

I miss my sisters a lot and I can't even call them because I don't have their number and Mom and I are not speaking either which complicates things. Whatever, I don't want to talk to her, she doesn't deserve the privilege as far as I'm concerned.

Been working hard trying to get the money and living situation in order in this bizarre, dry, Californian heat! It's so dry! The heat has NEVER been a bother to me but it's so damn dry! It's like a desert! Hahaha! My skin feels taught and thick, I feel like I can't sweat... It's a new and strange feeling. I don't know how I feel about it really because there's no real way to cool off around here. I've been going to the beach with friends but the water is so cold it's almost, ALMOST not worth it. The sun is nice though. I'm getting that sweet Cali tan... I think.

Smudged glasses....

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 06:49:47 GMT

Life is good. Money is tight but I've got an amazing support.
Alaska was to die for, I can't wait to go back.
Life is suffacatingly amazing and getting better every day.

When life gives you lemons.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:00:27 GMT

I was fired from my job today. I've never been fired before. It's ok... actually it's kind of wonderful considering what a terrible old troll my "boss" was and how everyday at that wretched place was more emotionally and psychologically damaging than it was worth.

I don't even want to get into the details because it's not even worth my time to relive that event.

Sure things will be really tough the next month but it's ok. It always works out, and for the better.

I'm leaving tomorrow for Alaska!!! HURRAY! This is going to be one of the funnest, if not the, adventures of my life thus far. Oh boy... I can't even describe in words my enthusiasm- I would sing but you can't hear me.

Have I mentioned I got new glasses? I'm significantly more blind in my right eye than my left eye. My new glasses are hot too... they have black and white stripes on them mmhmmm.

Ok bed time.

The Noble Beast

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:28:19 GMT

I've been really tight on the budget since the girls left town after wringing me out financially (my own fault by the way, and a deliberate choice) not to mention the weeks vacation to Alaska ahead (see cut) but I couldn't contain myself any longer.
I folded.
I spent money.
I bought Andrew Bird's most recent album (came out in January) Noble Beast.
I've been holding off for some time but decided today was the day, I could not say no. And it's delicious desert to my ears. Oh joy.
I decided that since I've not updated in what seems like centuries I would do so saving space behind cuts. Feel free to be selective... I probaby am.

Much of my time recently has been working toward my business. Getting a client base together, looking into advertising, renting space, getting everything legal. Though it's not taking up most of my time it is taking up most of my mind. My license should be in the mail today and should arrive at my new location at The Central Coast Wellness Center on Pismo! I'm very excited to introduce: Restorative Massage of San Luis Obispo! I've only put a couple hundred dollars into it thus far and will only be renting a room 2 days a week but we're starting small, as clientell grows so will the space. I share the rental space with quite a few friends, all of which are CMTs and there is even an accupuncturist there as well. I'll be sharing the room with the accupuncturist and I get it on Tuesdays and Thursdays for $200 a month. Not bad I think, not at all! Sort of an awkward time to start renting a room (what with the sisters arriving, spending all my time and money on them followed by vacation to Alaska) but you take what life throws at you.
The owner of the massage studio I work for currently knows of my business aspirations but has not been updated on it's current evolution. There is some part of me that worries about her reaction because she is VERY controling and self centered; she only sees things through her eyes and doesn't quite understand that I'm not her employee and I'm here to make money for myself, not her. Oh well though, it will be as it is and hopefully there will be no hard feelings because I'm quite thankful for the opportunities that have been handed to me whilst working with her. I would like to remain there as well.
Next up we need insurence, a local phone number, new business cards and local advertising. So far WOM is working well and the old cards are still making their rounds but I'd sure like to get everything localized and rolling. I just cancelled my BofA business account because well.... it was a miserable account from the begining and I'm really not liking the way BofA CA does things; which is astoundingly different than Fl. Therefore I need to establish an account with a local bank. I will also need to establish a credit card system as well. I keep thinking about Spanish too... more on that under the misc. cut.
There's another room at CCWC that I'm interested in that seems to be currently used as a storage space. It's blue. I'm uncontrolably attracted to it. I'm going to ask the property manager there about solely renting that room come September/October.
I'm incredibly excited about the business getting rolling and my future in massage. ultimately my intention is not to remain in SLO but to establish a clientell, location and steady income enough that I might be able to sell it upon departure. The future is so bright baby, I gotta wear shades.

There came, they went, they concured! And how I miss them so.
It was a little uncomfortable when they first arrived, just becuase I hadn't seen them in so long and I've established my home in such a way that I wasn't ready for "intruders". We live our lives so differently it was a bit stressfull for me at first. I hope they didn't feel too much of that stress.
There were a few things that really set me off that had not a whole lot to do with them but rather my worthless Mother. I've officially gotten to the point where I find no point in investing any sort of emotional or otherwise energy into her existance. It's a continual disappointment (even though I've taken a sort of vow to never be disappointed again) and I don't have the time to waste on such a selfish and lazy human being. I do however what to do everything in my power to ensure that my sisters can be taken care of as well as possible with my living 3000 miles away. I'm going to (through my business) start a Save the Sisters (lol) savings account. God knows Mother isn't going to be able to offer them anything, it's the least I can do while I'm doing so well.
ANYWAY! We had such a good time while they were here! Everyday was a new adventure, I planned everything we did down to the hour; with time for adjustment and naps in between of course. We hiked Bishop's peak, we cooked Wednesday night dinner for The Orbitals (which seemed to be the busiest night I've ever whitnessed), full moon bike/dance ride, Debutaunt Ball at The Establishment, clothing exchange at Julie's, complete new wardrobe shopping for the upcoming school year and in general, volunteering at the Criterion Bike Race downtown and then racing in the little 500 (with sister's support) and winning! Pizza dinner followed by a trip to the candy shop, adventuring under the city through Deep Dark, a day at Pirates cove and fire works on the beach, a drive up Perfume Canyon Road, movie time, arts and crafts, lots of cookie baking, and they got to hang out with Ariel (who's also been busy these days) who took them to the petting zoo and The Madonna Inn. Oh I'm sure I'm forgetting many things...
My goal in this trip was to give (Kylee mainly) an example of the possibility healthy and happy life even through the disfuntions of our family. I also wanted to spoil them (done). I wanted to make up for the time we'd lost since the move accross country and to establish a better relationship with Kylee. I believe I accomplished all goals. I also wanted them to get to know bO a little better since he seems stuborn enough to plant hisself in every part of my future. They loved the Noodle, too. I couldn't have asked for more.
The sisterly giggling, snuggles, dress ups, bike rides... everything was just fantastic. I was so happy and then they left. And although I was sad they were leaving I knew better than to let it take a hold of me. I know that they left with amazing experiences and memories that they will carry with them for a lifetime or longer. I know that our bonds are stronger now and my confidence in their ability to stay strong against all odds has only been reinforced by our time together.

As it turns out bO is quite nearly the perfect man for me. I say "quite nearly" because I dare not say it as a matter of fact. Perhpas this is something he's known from the begining (as he claims) but it's something that I'm coming to terms with. I'm now getting over my insecurities, misconceived notions of what a romantic relationship "is", expectations and honestly myself. There are many aspects of bO's personality that I not only adore but have myself and have always been afraid (because of social pressure and standards) to show. I feel as though I know him better than I've known just about any person in my life (perhaps there is 1 or 2 that can compete). I feel as though he knows and understands me in ways that I never thought possible. There are people in my life that know me like no other, particuarly specific aspects of what makes me who I am but bO... He's so strong and sure that even when I try to hide some part of myself he recognizes it, and rather than pushing the issue he'll wait till I realize he's comfortable, happy and accepts without question anything and everything I am. It's almost alarming. I've always known we had a connection but now I'm starting to understand what he's talking about...
It's true, I'll never find another man like him. Is he it for me? Only time will tell and I'm so happy with him that I'm willing to give him all the time he needs. I'm almost hesitent to say it but we are connected in the same way that Adam and I are connected, which is the most powerful connection I've ever felt in my life. I can't wait for those two to meet, sparks will fly indeed.
All of the issues that I created and blamed on him have been resolved. That's an interesting thing for me... I've always been an efficiant problem solver but never have things gone so well as with such an admirable partner. We communicate so well that it's as simple as just asking him and he says, "Ok." That's it. "ok." And it's done. Things are adjusted and we're now functioning in complete harmony. Perhaps it's his love and patience for me that allows this. It was so new in the begining and after everything that I've been through over the past 2 years, it was difficult to be able to let go of the initial anger and womanly irrational.
I feel as though I have a partner in life. A Team Life player. Not a leader or a subordinate but someone who I might be able to walk with, side by side and accomplish anything I set my mind to; because I'm not waisting my time working on us or him.
Even if he isn't my life partner, he's already taught me so many things and pulled the drapes off of so many things I was hiding in my conscious that I know I will love and respect him for all time. He will always be a dear friend and no matter what happens between us, we will always be connected.

In 2 weeks I'll be in Alaska. A place I've always wanted to go. And how privlaged I'll be to be adventuring with the likes of bO. Not to mention how lucky I feel to have had the travel arrangements set up and paid for by his family. Bob is there but I am unsure if we will be seeing one another and I'm not sure if that's a face I want to stare at quite yet. I will have a few hour lay over in Seattle and was planning to have dinner with Melanie and James but Mel hasn't been returning my calls. I think she's unable to face the honesty I share with her about her own feelings towards her and Jame's relationship. I can do nothing but hope her the best and offer her any support she needs. I do hope I hear from her though, it would be fantastic to see her again, it's been years now.
I'm finding it difficult (as I usually do) to settle down with friends. Friends are of great importance to me and I have some of the best one imaginable here in SLO but I feel myself distancing myself from them. I'm not sure if it's just the business of the past month+ but... We carry on as though he never skipped a beat but truth be told, we are skipping beats and I wish my social insticnt was more hightened. Lets see what happens when I get back from Alaska.
Friends accross country though, that's an interesting one. I haven't spoken to Crystal in weeks which is a little sad but I think she's having a hard time situating herself now that I'm gone. I will wait for her and then continue trying to get her out of that town. I have not spoken to any from Sarasota any time recentlyl. I've basically given up on them. I speak to Bob most frequently and Adam and I will exchange words mostly online when we run into each other there but everyone else... Roth and I play phone tag every few weeks, no one else returns my calls; I've stopped calling now.
I have been talking to Lysette more frequently though and I couldn't be happier about that. Our friendship runs so deep.... She's having another baby, a little girl about any day now. Leonna. I can't wait to see pictures. Her son Little Eric (named after his Father) is talking up a storm. I just sent them a care package of toys and clothes and blankets and things for the new baby. Sadly Lysette and her husband are splitting. Such a terrible time to have this happen berfore Leonna is born but... better than fanning the flames of sorrow and regret. It seems he feels that they married too young. Lysette is a little younger than me (by a year I believe) and I think Eric is my age. I couldn't imagine having a family and a marriage and having just bought a house at my age but this has been Lysettes plan for years and she's quite happy to have it. She's not happy though to be faced with the challenge of letting it go. She's so strong though. She's moving back to Fl and in with her family. She's going to raise the children on her own and she just got her certificate for a cosmotology practice (which is another thing she's always wanted to do). Her family is amazing and going to help and support her every step of the way. I only hope Eric realizes what a change this is going to be in his life. I'm hoping for the best. I've already set Lysette up with her first job: my little Sister Kylee's hair! She's not going to be in Fl for aabout a month or more and then getting the baby on a decent schedule... but I'm going to pay her from here to go visit my baby sister once a week and have her do Kylee's hair and teach her how to do her own hair. Lysette is mixed as well and knows exactly what Kylee is going through. I think it will also be a good, stable bond for Kylee and Lysette can be my little connection in Fl for how the girls are doing outside of what they say. Hahaha.
My house is situated and beautiful, I'm putting the finishing touches on the entertainment center which should be finished soon. Projector and screen, surround sound and AV in jacks for the iPods through the house.
Tula my cat is acclamating quite wonderfully. She sleep in bed with bO and I every night; now I just need to get her to come to The Establishment.
I've been painting a lot recently. I even have a painting hanging in a gallery as part of a community art project which I'm trying to apply myself to and much as possible. It's a lot of fun- flash mobs, imprompt art galleries, yarn taggin, community art projects... It's actually for an article for the local paper New Times but I'm going to do my best to ensure that it stays active long after the article is published. Partly because the artist in me is too stuborn to die and partly because I want to bring a little feeling of SRQ to SLO.
There's a tattoo artists here in town who's traveling at the moment but will be back in September who I'm going to trade massage for ink work with. I'm VERY excited about this. My back tree will be planting it's roots soon!
I had to cut my hair. After dying it so much it was so friend and dry on the ends I couldn't even run my fingers through it, which is NOT a common occurence for me. Therefore I gave it a little trim, all the dead, died parts are gone and my brown curls are silky once again, waiting to be the glorious maine it once was.
I was given a computer by my friend Andrew and let me tell you what.... I think it's older than I am. It's huge, it's slow, it has no memory and I can't connect half of my gadgets to it but it has the internet and it works! I'm very happy about that. This will hold me through until I can get a Mac again.
I still haven't been playing violin. I've changed my mind about a drillion times on whether or not I will sell it. It's so hard though.... I want to play it. I want to make music... when I see people making/playing music I'm filled with this overwhelming urge and sadness. I have songs in my head. I have music in my soul... I've been telling myself the past few nights that I'm going to go straight home and play but guess what I don't do: just that.
Marilynn and I went to an open mic night in Grover Beach just down the way from Mongo's. I see why she likes it so much, it's all old people and not a lot of action, which is very Mary. The musicians are amazing though and next week I'm going to go up and sing Oh Darlin' blues style. It's going to be good. As much as I love karaoke I don't think I'm into Mongo's anymore. I love the excitment of new poeple and thrills but I'm not a big fan of bars and I really only go to karaoke to sing and if I can't do that then why the hell do I want to hang out in a crowded noisey bar? I don't have the money to spend on drinks all night and I don't have the patience for drunks either. Not to mention we always end up staying till wait too late and I end up drinking more than I intend or even want to (which really isn't that much but I'd really like to stop using alcohol as a social tool).
I'd like to start drinking a whole lot less and probably start smoking significantly more. The effects have changed. I feel much more motivated and awake and happy when I smoke. I don't want to use it as a crutch or a tool but man does it make PMSing a lot eassier and me during that time a lot more tollerable!
I've spoken to my brother Devin a little bit recently. He's not doing so well, financially. None of the family back home is. I guess most people in America are feeling it... I'm so happy and privlaged to be doing well. I'd really like my brother to get out of that hum drum town and take a little bit more for himself. I certainly can't make him do anything but I will do everything in my power to instigate.
I'm a little worried aboutmy Grandparents. I think their ready to do. Everytime I talk to them they are saying something along the lines of "...Yeap, it's because I'm old and I've lived a long life. Don't really got a whole lot left in me". The funny thing is though is this: they really aren't that unhealthy or fragile! My grandfather's health is starting to diminish but he's not near death and my Grandmother, the Spitfire of the South... I'm a little worried, I think I'm going to go visit them for a few days in the fall.
Of course I haven't spoken to my father or my step mother there by having not spoken to my other 2 brothers. It's ok though, there's not a whole lot I can do about that.

I've made a desicion recently. I'm no longer going to allow myself to get angry. I'm not going to have expectations and I'm not going to be dissapointed. I'm going to take everything in my life as it is, a gift. I'm going to take all obstacles as oportunity for growth and development and there by blessings. I'm very excited about this desicion. It's going to be very hard but so far, for today, it's working out very well.
Living in this mind set will allow me to focus my time and thoughts on more important things and to better approach people and future goals; it will also improve my communication and I'm sure my over all health (not that it's really in any sort of dispair).
I'm going to use it to apply myself to the things I've been neglecting, like my violin. It will go well.

I have something bothering my eye ball. I'm going to go get it out.

I can't sleep....

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:41:59 GMT

.... funny this is the only time I seem to be able to find for you old friend. Be happy though, I'm terribly busy and think of you often.

Quick, GO!

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:40:41 GMT

My sisters are coming to SLO town.

Holly uncontrollable excitement Batman.

I'm going to sell my violin, it's offical.

I'm so close to getting my own business started and leaving the crazy drama of Enchante.

I love my kitty.

I love my boyfriend.

I'm so broke....

I might start singing for a rock band.

Haven't been mnt biking so much, but I'm building my own mnt bike! Three cheers for a bike that fits!

As usual, life is FANTASTIC!

*love*

Tula

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:38:52 GMT

I went to yoga this morning, first time I've been to a class sine I first arrived here in SLO. Wow am I seriously tight, out of shape and lost most of my balance. Good thing I'll be going regularly now.

I got a kitty. Her name is Tula, I like her a lot (don't tell my land lord).

Life is STILL good. Wow.

Haven't been speaking to people back in SRQ very much which kinda stinks. I have been talking to Bob though, I'm over hating him and looking forward to him visiting SLO. Crystal and I don't talk as much anymore, she hates it so much there and I love it so much here that we don't have much to talk about because she's mostly complaining and anything I talk about it bragging. She really needs to just get here now. Been talking to Melanie too, trying to get her to take the train down from Seattle for a visit as well.

Work's been nice and busy.

Bike festival this weekend in Santa Barbara- I'm going with Carol, she'll be racing.

I won a bike outfit from the Bike Fashion Show raffle last weekend! SWEET! Jersey T, detachable long selves (which was why I chose that one)and a pair of padded shorts. So nice. I also got a few Chain Reaction shirts (myself and sister), a calendar, and a handful of bike buttons.

Been thinking of taking a little boyfriend break, not separation, just a little Snake time. We talked about it a little... he's so amazing. Sometimes I think I know how he'll react to something, or know what he likes, or just anything and he utterly surprises me in the most admirable way. Ah love...

It's summer time for Sisters now... though I've tried calling more times than I can count on 2 hands contact is limited and I'm still hoping they might be able to make it to SLO for a visit. I won't be able to afford flying them out here and I miss them so much I'm physically anxious. I'm going to e-mail grandparents and see if they can muster up some plane ticket money to help.

Flash mob last week, pretty awesome and a great first run. No word on whether or not there will be another one tonight but I'm going on hop on this and see if we can get a regular thing going. After next week I'm going to have Thursday evenings off for just this event (and farmers); it will be really nice to have a night off too. After this month I may be able to take 2 days off as well! Wow, toodly doo.

Nude beach time... Spread love today if you can.

Ah, the SLO life...

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:55:01 GMT

Life is good,
Life is grand.

Things are finally settling in the new house. Been very busy at work and will start a day job in a bead shop tomorrow. Still looking for a cat. Still dating bO. Still very very very happy.

Adam, Bob and Roth will be visiting SLO this summer/winter. Now I just need to get Crystal out here.

Going to Alaska this summer! What an adventure that will be.

Karaokee tonight- sing your heart out baby!

heart of lead

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:57:52 GMT

there is something very heavy on my chest.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:29:18 GMT

Nothing like not being able to sleep @ $30 am!

Happy happy happy!

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 08:31:07 GMT

Oh! I can't even describe how AMAZINGLY FABULOUS the past few days have been for me!

It's as if everything I wanted to happen did. It's as if life is as mailable in my hands as a bit of clay; joy with each flick of a wrist and smiles around every corner.

I couldn't ask for more, I am truly blessed.

Blue blonde

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:11:45 GMT

If I were a sexy, dancing dollar bill instead of a sexy, dancing woman.....

The courtly lady and the independant woman.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:58:10 GMT

Coming to understand that there are no real answers in life, just assumptions and realizations I don't expect that I will ever find the real solution to the (for lack of a better work) problem that I have. Is it a problem though? Define problem... is it hindering me, interupting my ability to be happy/find love/understanding in life? Causing me distress and/or pain? Well when you put it that way....
Red- the independant woman; constantly striving to prove her point, to make her mark, to set a higher standard and to improve the lives and world around her. Outgoing, outspoken, educated, a mover and a shaker, well known, envied, sought out. This woman is the cat's meow so to speak; she attracts attention from every one she meets even if only with her presence. She sucks in the air around her, she brings new life to the room upon arival and shes always laughing. In her pocket is a good joke and a shot of whatever you need to cheer you up. She'll make you feel good with her whit and charm but is unatainable and no matter who you are, out of your leauge.
Blue- the courtly lady; happy with simplicity, finds pleasure in the the back row, her higher standard is in her home, with her family and herself, almost reclusive but comfortable anywhere, effortless. A thinker and a discusser, recognized but not exactly known, humble, polite, not envoking envy so much as curiosity, attracts attention to those who pay attention to detail. She gives to the air around her, she lightens the life already in a room; she's always smiling. In her pocket is the softness of empathy and solid advice. She makes you feel good by listening and mothering; she is not out of anyone's leauge, she's just right for everyone, for you.
Red walks into a room like a hurricane, Blue follows and cleans up the mess.
Purple isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Caging the beast... freeing the bird... Is there such a person who has the ability? Would she be able to recognize him/her as he/she entered the room? Will the lighting change, will there be a harp suddenly playing in the back ground, will her heart skip a beat?
Of course not, it will be perfectly normal just like anything else. You will have a cup of coffee, you will get your period, you will wish you had gotten more sleep.
You will still be Red, the independant woman. You will still be Blue the courtly lady.
The Guillemots said it best:
"It's not raining cats, it's not raining dogs
And pigs are not flying, or turning the cogs
The sun has no hat on, whenever it shines
And I've never seen a cat with nine lives
I'm not in a film, I'm not in a play
I saw no aliens today
I just saw you, and thought of me"

Peaches and Strawberries

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 17:43:50 GMT

Oh wow, what a lovely day!
Went for a run this morning and attempted to rouse Adam for some yoga but of course it proved futile. I ran back to the grocery and bought some berries and peaches for oatmeal (eating now) which is amazingly delicious! It's going to be a great day! There's lots to do but it will all get done.

Went to sign my lease yesterday... HURRAY! My very own place, no one else, all me, only me, JUST ME, all MINE.
My things
My smells
My mess
My life
I know exactly what's going on, how, when and why. I know exactly why what's where and how's what and who's not there. Ah, I'm so excited. No microwave, no dairy.

A blue bedroom... oh my love. Upon asking about painting Landlord said, "Well, we don't allow painting but we can't really stop you and it's not like we would know anyway... but if you wanted to paint it would be best if you ran it by us first...?" I sort of got the impression he was actually saying, "I can't tell you that you can paint because then I would have to tell everyone they can paint but go ahead anyway." Blue bedroom, I'm thinking of doing the dinning/yoga area GOLD. That's right, I said GOLD. Straight up. Sunny, bright, shiny GOLD. Maybe a sage green in the kitchen; leave the sunny area white and gold or blue trim, gold trim in the bathroom to match the Starry Night shower curtain.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT DECORATING!!! I love decorating, cleaning, organizing... OH OH OH!
Get the bicycle out of my house bO!

There are things I need tough:
Pots and pans (I really only want cast iron)
dishes (of which I would like to make myself, or find hand made dishes)
eating utensils
cooking utensils
knives (none of those cheap $10 knife sets either. 3/4 really GOOD knives)
blender would be nice
toaster oven
trash cans
B/W stripey & other fabric for curtains (window and door)
household cleaners (clean, natural cleaners)

That's all I can think of for now... But I'm sure the list will go on since I have such refined taste (aka I'm stuck up about my decor).

Get the bicycle out of my house bO!

I'm working 7 days a week now at the studio and getting at least 2 massages a day. I predict $600 this week, by the end of the day that is. Nice. Maybe I won't have to tighten my belt as much as I anticipated. Either way, priorities. I'm hoping to hear back from the chocolate people too about a part time gig during the day. Can you say "work-a-holic"? I don't think it's looking too hot though.

Things between bO and I are well. He seems to be doing much to keep me happy and I'm taking the space I need; as in I'm not putting in a whole lot of my own effort or personal time and allowing him to come to me. It's nice. I'm definitely getting laid a WHOLE lot more, I'm not as annoyed and pissy with him and (I think) he seems to be appreciating me more? Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I must say, there's nothing like coming home to a SURPRISE! I left pie in your fridge for you while you were at work! If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's little gifts like that (and flowers on my Pugeot) that really turn me to mush. I'm a sucker... The way I see it, so long as I'm not seriously investing myself nor wearing my expectation goggles I'll be ok. "Play your cards little lady, you've got a rockin' hand".

I've also got the confirmation that Roth is coming to SLO!!! I'm so excited! Not until the fall but he bought a van, Constance, and is going to drive out here and love on me! I can't wait to see my buddy, I do miss him. Maybe he'll bring Barbie, tee hee hee!

That means I've got my Mother and Sisters this summer, I think Dave said he was going to be out here this spring and then Roth come the fall. Oh I'm so happy!

Funny thing is, now that's I'm gone, it's as if I've weened the "not friends" out of my life and have a more solid base of real friends. Most of them are here in SLO but even the ones back home. I still talk to Crystal (just about every day) and Melanie once a week if not a few times a week. I would like to talk to Melissa more, Brian but he's a fucking drunk and Roth but he's got his own little world (that I understand so it works out pretty well actually).

I'm sitting here typing, finished breakfast HOURS ago and have many things to do before the circus meeting at The Establishment... thanks for listening livejournal!

LOVE

Still recovering

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:37:02 GMT

Post Grandfather telephone heart attack time!

He's old, he's "dying" but so am I and so is everyone else. If everyone concerned themselves with the "what if" all the time we'd never leave the house; and even then a comet could fall from the sky and crush the house so maybe we shouldn't stay there either.
Would it be eassier if I weren't 3000 miles away? Should it make a differnece?

He's going to sign it though, thank goodness.
After having my heart broken, having a heart attack, being angry, yelling, crying, rationalizing, then persueding I think the pressure finally got to him. I understand his his thought process but just because it's understandable it doesn't make it logical.

You've got to start somewhere, I want to start on Morro St in San Luis Obispo. Thanks Grandpa, I hope I didn't hasten your departure from this world with a little more stress because my goodness I just want to make you proud. Goodness know that's not what you're son's are doing, let me make it up to you.

Not fucking "ok"

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 09:42:01 GMT

This is that love/hate thing.... right here.... right now.

I hate using foul language.

Oh.... no....

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:30:21 GMT

Things aren't going as well as I had hoped with money for the new place. I still feel fairly confident but I'm starting to feel the pressure of the week I have left weigh on me.

I'm thinking of selling my violin.

:(

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:28:29 GMT

All of a sudden it seems as though I've stumbled upon what can only be described as friendship.
I truly valued what few friends and honest friendship I've scalvaged from the tropical humidity of Florida but since being in SLO it's almost as if all the fairy tales and bed time stories of "what makes a true, caring, selfless friend" have all managed to come true.
While I'm still trying to find my place here in San Luis, adjusting and coming to gain a firmer grasp on what I can call mine and what makes me who I am, my friends are here for me. This is an entirely new experience. Being excepted without condition and being heard with a sincere ear. When asked how I'm doing, I don't feel the need to hide behind "Fine thank you, and yourself?"; they are truely asking me, "How are YOU doing?". Now that I truely need a friendly hand, now that I truely need a little support... it's being offered 100% without
exception.
In SRQ when one is plauged with an issue I found it best to always keep these feeling to myself, because sharing them would simply cause drama in the social circle because no one's feelings were more important than their own. You would talk and the person you where talking to is not listening, they are replaying the same thought over and over until it is there turn to change the subject back to themselves. I've always worked things out on my own, I've always struggled and found strength within. Is this now my time to find strength in numbers? Utilize the new, fantastic friends I have? I think so.... I've always thought I had so much to offer as a person, and now as a friend, a really real firned, let's see how this fairy tale unfolds.
I'm so excited!

Stess, issues, thoughts, bicycles and general update for sister pants.

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 23:07:44 GMT

Wow, what a wonderful valentines day! For a holiday that I try to ignore, it's hard to avoid the valentine's swing because even if you chose not to get on, it ends up wacking you in the back of the head with affection.
It went a lot better than the night before; that's what I get for letting my fear get the best of me I suppose. The guilt of my actions haunted me until Bo's cute little smiling face pops up from the steps with breakfast in bed and a bowl of fresh whipped cream, followed by my favorite... pumpkin pie. What an oboe. He loves me, how sweet.

Sweet enough to search me on google, find my myspace and livejournal and create his own livejournal just to lurk on me. That's love. Hi Bo, I'm watching you just as hard as you're watching me my pet. Journaling is fun, you'll like it.

Later Rob and I went for a ride on our lovely bicycles and shared thoughts and feelings of life and friends. Also very lovely. It was really nice to be able to speak with someone without embarrassment and without worry. I do see a lovely friendship blossoming here. At the very least I'll have a biking buddy. That night I made dinner for Bo and gave him an extra long massage. I think I turned him to jelly; he slithered off the massage table straight to the bed, covered in oil and everything. I had to wipe him down with a towel as he layed there so he didn't stain my sheets. "You're skin is something that I stir into my tea."

It's very windy today. Oh how wonderfully windy it is! So wonderfully windy that I couldn't go back to sleep after Bo left the house this morning, which was my intention since it seems no matter what I do I am plagued by this inevitable exhaustion. The wind was sternly shouting to me, "Oh Ashley! We're trying so hard to make music for you! Why haven't you given us our instruments?" I felt the longing for chimes and bells in the gusts and gale and hung my wind chimes around the house. The largest, most beautiful, strong chime outside my bedroom window. With my window ajar, tidying my bedroom and loving on Ines and Anouk I was humbled by it's deep, pleasing notes. When music dances on the breeze I feel more at home, more alive.
Home.
My room is very much my home. I love my room. I've finally gotten it to the point where I feel comfortable there; it feels like mine. The rest of the house... no matter what I do... I spent the rest of my morning cleaning up the yard of the house I'm living in. Since I no longer have a key to the front door I have to go through the back which really just reminds me of a white trash yard. I tried cleaning up. I picked up SO MANY only news papers, neglected, abandoned, never read and rotting sorrowfully in their plastic bag coffins. Poor things. So many empty plant containers, forgotten shrubs and trees, drowning in their clogged pots. So much trash. I want to clean more. I want to get things to a decent level of cleanliness but I know that my roommate is just not on that level. She says she is and she says she wants to change but I've spent the past 3 years cleaning up other people's messes to build a home that is suitable for someone of my standards. I don't want to do that anymore. She's trying, she is, things aren't as bad as they were, it's true. But I truly don't believe they would be the way they are if I hadn't spent so many hours cleaning and organizing and asking and reminding...
It's futile.
I want my own space so badly. I just need more money. I'm making good money at my job but it's not enough for a security deposit somewhere in about a month. I'm working hard, I'm sure it will pay off. It will all work out just the way it's supposed to I know. Practice patience!
I've mentioned this to my roommate but I'm sure she hears what she wants to hear. That's all right, truly. She's a reasonable woman and said she wouldn't have any hard feelings if I decided to move out. I'm glad because I don't want to lose any friends. Especially ones that have been so kind to me.
I really want Bo's old house. Oh I love it. I doody do. It's just the right size for just me and the layout offers exactly what I want. The price and location are spot on and I would have enough room for sister when they come. Oh I miss my sisters.

Spoke to my mother for a little today. She told me that she's going to head out here with the girl this summer, April she says. I thought she was going to wait till after Kirstin graduated high school but I guess she doesn't feel the need to stay without me there..? Bo will be none too please to hear that my mother is coming here soon than expected. Hates her, as he hates all my family (aside from the good ones like Brother's and Sisters and Grandparents). Oh well, he'll have to get over it, I did.

Work is going remarkably well. So well in fact that I'll probably get getting a raise at the end of the month. My boss mentioned to me that I'm probably one of the top therapists in the studio and she gives back to the top therapists every month at the end of the month. Nice. I'm also developing a stable client base too. I've now 5 regular clients I believe and this old lady who's house I go to. I just got my business cards in the other day and on Tuesday will be finishing the last step to receive my SLO permit. After that, marketing marketing marketing. Let's see how it goes eh?

I've been reading a lot lately, what joy it is to have my nose stuck in a book. I swear, I must be one of the most easy to please women on earth. Pumpkin pie, good book, warm socks... hahaha.

I haven't been keeping up on the news recently. I stopped regularly listening to the news during the primaries after Ron Paul was pushed out of the rat race. I need to get back into that. I need a computer in my house is what I truly need.

I hope the rain clears up this week. I do want to go to Perfume Canyon. I want to go hiking so badly! See the ocean. How lovely it will be when the weather becomes warm again and I can camp! I was thinking of doing a little weekend trip up to Cambria to visit my friend Colin before the month's end. We shall see.

Oh! I'm so excited to announce that I'll be deleting my stupid myspace tomorrow. It's causing too much drama and distraction and promoting fear in only my mind. The addiction aspect of the whole thing, giving me the opportunity to feed my own paranoia and enabling my insecurities while directing me in a way that enjoys the pain of others. Who'd have though huh?

I have a massage in a half hour. Time to get moseying.

Finally!

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 01:54:02 GMT

I've managed to get enough money in my bank account to catch up on my bills, buy the things I need for my job (creme, permitting requirements, ect) and I have a little cash left over! And it's not even the middle of the month yet! I'm so pleased with that. Now let's see if I can get a loan and pay off some other debts I don't care to see lurking around. I feel extra good today because I got a whole butt load of things I've been needing to get done completed and it's still pretty early and I'll have time to do some more things! Like read my book, paint jar lids and play with my little ratties! I got 2 adorable baby rats. Mmmhmm, that's right, cuties! Anouk and Inès, French names for my little ladies.

Things I need to do:
fix my car and get it smogged
Life is good.

SLO -vs- SRQ

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 05:46:22 GMT

1:
In SRQ when someone asks you, "What are you doing tonight?" You give a mopey shrug and reply, "I don't know, there's nothing to do..."
In SLO when someone asks you, "What are you doing tonight?" you pull out your phone and check the calender saying, "Let me so, oh! There's this, this, this and this!"

2:
People stare at you in SRQ
People smile at you in SLO (or better yet, make googley eyes at you)

3:
SRQ has a tendency to bring out the flakey, phoney and self centered.
SLO seems to bring out the busy, punctual and giving.

4:
All those things that you would do in SRQ that people who think your are a loser for, people think you're neat-o for in SLO.

5:
Friends are just that, friends.

P.S.
I saw snow the other day. It was not on me or my feet but I saw it... looking at me, look at it.

Nothing like a yoga morning

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:27:54 GMT

With the sky pouring down joy in the manifestation of rain droplets!

Cycling Snake

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 20:11:59 GMT

It's been a little while. I've got this other journal now... sorry LJ but I can write in it by hand and have it on me at all times... which is really good when traveling.

That's what I've been doing and what has been distracting me from you.

Here I am in California. Leaving Florida knowing that I was out to find some place, something, nothing, difference, lessons. Found.
I could detail the trials I've suffered for you over the past months here, now, but they've not only passed but grown into a new understanding and way of thinking applicable to life as I know it.
Coming to understand the best ways in dealing with negative minds as well as my body even more through cycling; coming to grips with my true contented, introverted nature and politeness; embracing the simple joys in life that have isolated me in the past, using this understanding to please myself without consideration for other's befuddled supposition. Best of all, being able to finally understand (to some degree) my own mind and live in the positive now that I've always had trouble grasping (it always seemed so fleeting).

I'd never felt the pressure and expectations of my peers as strongly as I had before I left SRQ. It's not that I allow their ideas to hinder or discommode me in anyway but the very fact that such ideas existed and were energized planted a seed of sorrow and empathy in the pit of my heart. Sorrow in the fact that people had this thought process at all and don't realize it; empathy because I too began to share their own lacking of lustrous fulfillment in life. Yet again proof that consciousness creates reality as far as I'm concerned. How uncharacteristic of you little Snake, what were you thinking? Thank goodness you're able to disconnect from circumstantial, social conformity.

SRQ is my home, it always has been and always will be. There's something about the fine powder sand, sunny, summer rain storms, hurricanes, banyan trees, and sleeping on the gulf shore that will always, ALWAYS have a place in my heart. My heart is vast though, and expanse further than my mind will every be able to conceive I'm sure.

I've been in San Luis Obispo for a month now. Since Thanksgiving. Wow, it's been that long, and longer still since I've left home. True there are aspects of home in which I long for and find myself pondering for extended and lost periods of time but there's just something about SLO...
The moment I came here, the moment I cycled into town; riding my bike the length of Foothill and being absolutely thrilled with the world around me. I'm thrilled by the world around me at all times but there was something peculiarly familiar about this place. I recall thinking to myself cycling about, "Oh yes I could live here."
And the longer I stayed, the more I believed it.
The more I believed it the more energy, thought and love I put into the very idea.
Thus is the way of The Universe which I've come to understand and believe at a very minimal level; this idea not-so-slowly, bloomed into the most brilliant reality.
The Hindus were not factoring in The Baby Snake in slow SLO when they developed their equation for accomplishment because in this case, I feel almost as though it wasn't me who created this reality but the people around me; the people of this town and the friends that I've made. It's oh so curious because I don't suppose I've ever been in a situation where I wasn't "actively" molding my future, my life (even though I chose to live my daily life effortlessly). Though I certainly played a huge role in birthing this new epoch, I honestly feel the warmth of the will of those who love me, both near and far, painting, sculpting, chiseling, decoration and lighting the au courant path that's been forged ahead.
Do I have a choice?
Yes.
Have I made it?
Yes.
I don't, though, feel as though I could have realistically decided differently.
The adventure of the whole unfolding as been as mysterious as entertaining and thrilling.

So what's the verdict. Well... I'll live here of course, here in San Luis Obispo. There's no plan, there's no time table, there's no anticipation there's no expectation but there is a sort of virgin jubilance that is lurking around just about every corner, behind every door and inside every cubby just waiting to smother me.

Oh and how I do enjoy a good smother.